Acceptatie

Acceptatie is naast loslaten een van de moeilijkste in de categorie levenslessen.

Acceptatie van mijn pms gaat met ups en downs. Uiteraard als ik me goed voel dan neem ik het redelijk voor lief. Hoort het bij me en is het zoals het is. Maar zodra het monster zich aandient, daalt mijn acceptatie per dag. Alhoewel ik me er vele malen minder tegen verzet dan jaren geleden. Wellicht een voordeel van ouder worden? Maar volledige acceptatie wat ik niet kan veranderen, dat is in het geval van de pms hoge school niveau. Het heeft teveel invloed op mijn eigen leven en mijn directe omgeving zoals mijn gezin. Voor mij een reden om afgelopen jaar onderzoeken te hebben laten doen in de VU Amsterdam. Wellicht door mijn (valse) hoop om een oorzaak te vinden voor mijn klachten. Het voordeel van een academisch ziekenhuis is dat er een hoop artsen zijn en wellicht dat zij met hun kennis en ervaring bij elkaar, mij meer zouden kunnen vertellen. Het nadeel is dat iedere keer als je komt, er een andere arts is die je dossier behandelt. Iedere keer opnieuw je verhaal vertellen. Geen binding met je probleem en jou als mens hebben. En zo was afgelopen week mijn laatste gesprek in de VU. Drie maanden had ik erop zitten wachten. Drukte, vakanties, bespreken van mijn dossier door meerdere artsen maakte de lange wachttijd voor deze afspraak. Alhoewel ik enigszins geen verwachtingen had omtrent dit gesprek, was ik toch vooral nieuwsgierig en zelfs wat gespannen.

Als ik in de auto zit, ben ik volledig opgefokt en boos. Ontzettend boos. De nagels van mijn linkerhand staan in het leer van het stuur terwijl de nagels van mijn rechterhand in mijn eigen vel prikken. Zo boos en zo zonder reden. Hoe is dit toch mogelijk elke keer? Mijn monster heeft zich volledig in zijn greep en laat zich nog meer gelden door de beats van Tsunami die door de boxen knalt. Hormonen en emoties gieren als een tsunami door me heen. Als ik er bijna ben, kom ik door ‘This is what it feels like’ ietwat bij mijn positieven. Gelukkig hoef ik nooit lang te wachten en algauw word ik geroepen. Ik verwacht een andere arts maar zie wederom een nieuw gezicht. Ik merk gelijk op dat dit gesprek anders gaat dan dat ik wellicht toch verwachtte. Het voelt alsof ik bij personeelszaken zit met een exit gesprek. De beslissing is genomen en ieder woord wat nog gezegd wordt, lijkt eigenlijk zinloos. Ze deelt mij mede dat er als academisch ziekenhuis na al deze onderzoeken, verder weinig tot niets meer voor me gedaan kan worden. Ik had echter nog best wat vragen verzameld waarvan ik had verwacht dat deze tijdens de artsenbespreking zouden zijn besproken. Voor al mijn vragen verwijst ze me terug naar de huisarts daar die niet haar vakgebied bestrijken. Vooral de vraag naar SSRI’s (antidepressiva) voor twee weken per maand, wimpelt ze af. Ik moest maar naar de huisarts met mijn heftige stemmingswisselingen zeker als deze suïcidaal blijken te zijn zoals in mijn dossier staat. Wat? Mijn ogen worden groot en ik raak ineens op scherp. Al die tijd was mijn concentratie laag door de pijn in mijn buik, rug en benen welke alle aandacht opeisen. Maar nu ben ik verontwaardigd. Deze vraag was mij de vorige keer gesteld waarop ik heb geantwoord dat ik niet suïcidaal ben. Een fout door het te vluchtig lezen van mijn dossier blijkt. Het exit gesprek moest enkel alleen nog als mededeling afgerond worden dus compassie, aandacht voor mij als mens kon ik op mijn opgezette buik schrijven. Ik was duidelijk een kwartiertje van haar kostbare werktijd die ze wellicht liever had besteed aan vrouwen met echte ernstige problemen. Zelfs mijn monster damt zich steeds verder in tijdens het gesprek. Ik voel me steeds kleiner en fragieler worden. Wetende dat nu voor mezelf opkomen niet eens zin heeft. Mijn emoties tegen een barrière aan knallen heeft geen enkele zin. Hoewel ik de mededing enigszins best kan begrijpen, is het vooral de manier waarop en het afwimpelen wat me raakt. Drie maanden heb ik gewacht op dit gesprek wat makkelijk telefonisch had kunnen plaats vinden. Dit had ik notabene nog gevraagd! Ik voel de tranen in mijn ogen prikken maar neem me voor hier geen enkele traan te laten. Die komen zo in de auto wel maar niet hier tegenover zo’n onpersoonlijk persoon. Ik pers er nog uit dat ik haar dank voor haar tijd terwijl ik een hand geef en zeg dat ik contact met de huisarts zal opnemen. Verbaasd over het gesprek rijd ik in een soort van waas naar huis. De zon schijnt maar ik zie het niet. Alleen en vooral ontzettend eenzaam voel ik me. Ben ik nou echt alleen met pms in deze heftigheid? De twijfel over mezelf valt over me heen als een verstikkende deken. Waar vind ik nog meer vrouwen? Ik heb nog zoveel vragen ook al weet ik dat niet al mijn vragen door de wetenschap kunnen worden beantwoord, wellicht wel door andere vrouwen. Om verder te kunnen met mijn acceptatie of door andere beslissingen te nemen.

Thuis krijg ik de warmte, de schouder, het luisterende oor, de letterlijke en figuurlijke omhelzing van mijn man en kinderen. Onvoorwaardelijk en oprecht.

It keeps me going.

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13 Responses

  1. Jonathonpof says:

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    I wishes to know, Why do men normally just cut you off (No dialogue) when they are dealing with their problems.

    Long report short, I met someone last April things began great, But then i found out he had been separated for about 7 years, And was separated this past June. this is when things started going downhill.

    He told me that I was the best person he ever met and hubby really loved me. It went from very little communication captured to no communication in May of this year. I sent him a father’s day card and he left me a message at my job thanking me for the card/picture and stated how he really loves me and does not want to involve me in his situation. I really want to talk to him, but rather no, That is the scariest thing I could do now.

    I know what you’re asking here. It seems that the men in your family should want to bring you closer when they have problems, there is however a very clear, valid reason why: It’s tough to speak to you.

    definitely important, I pronounced a “well-defined, valid reason” certainly “reasonable,

    Here’s the: Men have a quite difficult time putting our emotions into words. pertaining to, this is very easy. You’re actually set with this skill from birth. To us guys though, Trying to express complicated emotions in words takes large sums of effort which confounds and frustrates us. Add to this the fact that we’re going through a stressful problem as it is and we often don’t want to make things worse by then having to work to explain to you how we feel.

    you’ll probably find other issues at play here too. in particular, Divorces are costly. I’ll bet his lifestyle has taken a quite severely, Very direct hit by this family law. He probably doesn’t want to explain all of this to you (can you?) in so doing, Feels better by just keeping you from the jawhorse entirely.

    designs, There actually ARE ways to get the man you’re dating to talk to you about these things, But you have to make it easy for him. If check out my website (notable above) and then click on “self-help, There you will see a link to “Search publications, Select might enter “romantic relationship questions,

    this point, occasion, let’s talk about your relationship.

    within, When you’re in a committed romance relationship with someone, You have the responsibility to keep your partner “informed” On these false claims as difficult as that is. around the, You’re not going to get him to agree with this through brute force. because, you might want to contact him via phone (decent) Or one on one (excellent) and just say, “fully grasp, We’re together as a team and even if things aren’t going effectively right now, You can’t charmdate.com just shut me using this. I know it’s hard and I’m here to help work through all of this with you just as you’d do for me. accordingly, I’m not going to accept this little “period of time” Of your own or a,

    Just be aware that he’s going to resist this until he really knows that: the right) You have his desires at heart, then b) You’re not going to make this harder by asking him huge, Complex emotional questions regarding it and then pounding him for answers.

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